For the first time in about a year I feel as though I know where I want to take my life, where I want to go, and what I want to do. It’s a very strange feeling. I’d been living in a cloud for such a long time. There was such confusion, so many deaths, so much frustration. Today I woke up and for the first time in a very long time I looked up and saw the sky, not the dark cloud usually hanging over my head. Weird. I hope I don’t lose sight of it.

For all of you who know me personally, this does not mean that I am happy. I would hate to disappoint all of you by becoming a happy person. I still wear my melancholy like a warm blanket, or an Oxford sweater.

I am finding out slowly that in my old age (i’m 24 now for those of you who have been living in a bucket) I am becoming less tolerant of certain things. One of my biggest pet peeves is manipulation.

Benjy would say that because I am female I am a natural manipulator. I would argue that though I have the capacity and perhaps the propensity to manipulate people, I do my best to avoid that route with people. It’s a very unbecoming trait… and it’s downright horrible to be known as a manipulator so I try my best not to do it to my friends and loved ones. Now… when people try to manipulate me or manipulate my friends they’re playing with fire because as a natural manipulator not only can I play the game but I can call other people’s games too. There are just certain things in life that I will not tolerate and this is one of them.

Secondly, don’t EVER play the ultimatum game with me or with my friends. When I was younger I admit I played this one a lot, but unfortunately sometimes it’s the only way to get people to do something.. sometimes for their own benefit (in very serious situations where they wouldn’t listen to you otherwise). It still doesn’t mean it should be one of the cards you play all the time. That’s downright stupid. Don’t tell my friend “Either you do this or I won’t talk to you again.” At this point, when you play this particular game, you’ve earned my (our) ire and you’ve earned it HARDCORE. What right do you have to tell someone else how to live their lives? This is part of the reason that I am pro choice. I don’t advocate Abortion by any means, but what gives a legislator the right to tell me how to manage my body? It’s as simple as that. If you think someone has a serious problem that needs attending to… tell them that… don’t play fucking mind games and power games with them. And if they’re smart, they’ll still tell you to go fuck yourself because you have no right to impose your opinions on them. We were all given the power of higher thought to think for ourselves not to think for others.

Finally, the other thing that pisses me off a lot lately is when people lie. Don’t tell me X, tell my brother Y and expect us not to figure out that we’re not on the same letter of the alphabet. That should be common sense. Don’t assume that I’m not going to confer with my friends on a quasi-regular basis about you. If you assume that we’re not talking about you (good or bad) you’re dead wrong. When shit hits the fan, everyone’s getting splattered. Remember that.

You’d think that as we get older we’d have the decency to think a little about how our actions effect the people around us. I have come to learn that not everyone takes the time out to think about this and it saddens me deeply. The one thing I DO know is that I don’t trust anyone I don’t consider a real friend as far as I can throw them.

Why is it that people who have the least to say spend the most time talking? I was just thinking about this and I find it really amusing. The most shallow individuals I know spend the most time talking about the most inane shit. It’s really true… think about it. Imagine the most shallow person you know and really think about the amount of time they spend talking. Now you should be thoroughly amused but scared at the same time. I think if these shallow people who babble bullshit all the time would spend more time with their traps shut… we could reverse global warming. That’s just my spin on it.