Angst-y Goodness

I’ve been experiencing a lot of frustration lately, and rather than unloading it on the good people around me I’ve decided to do a weekly core dump here. If you don’t feel like reading about me whining about my life, feel free to skip these posts. If you don’t have anything constructive to say, don’t comment. Having said that, let’s bring on the angst.

I know a couple of my friends and readers have been in a situation much like mine. After being out in the world for a while and running into a bad patch, you’re forced to take a huge ego shot and move home with relatives or move in with friends. No matter how you try to paint it, it sucks. No matter how optimistic you are when you first do it, the golden goose egg manages to turn into another turd by the end. Having your freedoms and privacy stripped from you after you’ve gotten good and used to having both does wonders for your self-esteem and not in the good way. This is what I’ve learned since I moved home.

I’ve been so lucky to rediscover why I stopped getting along with my mother. Let’s put aside being beaten with electrical cords at age 2, being thrown out of my house at ages 8, 12, and 16, being told I was (insert name here), being blamed for her diabetes, and being told that she wished I was never born. I know I am not the only person who has lived through all of that, and I’m far too smart to let it sink all the way in. I don’t believe I am all of those bad things. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still my ghosts, but they don’t make a huge impact on my life from day to day. What stops me dead in my tracks on an almost daily basis is her irrationality.

I’ll try to give you some examples as to why my mother is so exasperating. The newest situation is that she’s losing her hearing and she won’t get it checked. My dad worked in Audiology for over 25 years and I have a BS in Communicative Disorders (Speech Pathology) and she adamantly denies to both of us that there is any real problem and that visiting an Audiologist will do her no good. Denying that you need help is a slap in both of our faces, and she has no idea how insulting she’s being. At least come up with a better reason when you’re talking to two people who worked/studied in the field, and if you choose to stay the way you are, at least have the courtesy to not participate in any conversations so the people talking don’t have to repeat themselves every two minutes! The icing on this cake is that if my father or I harp on it, she’ll go into one of her downward spirals and try to destroy the family again. That’s what she does.

Dear Kevin was astute to point out that I’m not a happy person and I can be a downer a lot. After a lot of introspective thought, I have an explanation for why that is. Aside from all of the not-so-great happenings in my life over the past two years (if you want details, feel free to e-mail me), I’ve realized that my melancholy doesn’t completely stem from that. Being raised in a Caribbean household, I was never taught to seek happiness. I was never encouraged to do things for enjoyment, or to make sure that I was happy. I’m sure I’m not the only COCP (Child of Caribbean Parents) that understands this or grew up in that kind of environment. There is an overwhelming sense of duty and that’s all there is. Having friends and fostering relationships with people is not seen as being important or necessary at all. Leisure activities and relaxation are all a phenomenal waste of time. You get your work/school done because that’s what’s necessary and that’s all there is. Everything else is expendable. Therefore if you don’t find a great deal of joy in work or school (which the great majority of people don’t derive most of their happiness from), where do you get your happy? This is a thought pattern that I have been slowly breaking myself from for years. Every year I get a little bit better about it. I’ve gone from waiting for happiness to fall in my lap to actively seeking it, but like anything else you have ingrained in you as a child.. it’s a hard pattern of thought to snap out of. Like if you’ve given up your Christianity.. around Christmas time you don’t know what to do with yourself. In good time you get over that, but there is an adjustment period which is what I’m going through with my proverbial happy right now.

All in all, I’ll survive all of this, but without having an outlet to angst to, it gets overwhelming and things pile up. I’m going to try to not let that happen anymore. It’s not worth all of the frustration. Anyway, feel free to comment at me.

Tags: abuse, family, friends, Me

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August 31, 2003 | Filed Under Me 

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